A Little about ME

Ok so Blog number 2.

Im going to in some way try to explain what i am like myself and how i think...

So myself, im a thinker. I always have been a thinker and always will be a thinker. Ever since i can remember i have thought about what i do, my actions and everything to do with my actions. I have always 'analyzed' what i say or do.....

Primary school for me was good memories but lots of bad experiences. Being a naturally happy, upbeat person i tended to enjoy school. Looking back now i remember pretty bad experiences. For some reason one lad in my class decided to not like me and tried to pick on me a lot. But he wasnt exactly 'mr popular' himself. But from then on i kind of had bad experience after bad experience in primary. I remember once in the football field at lunch time being laughed at for not being able to kind of walk properly. Like when you usually walk your left foot angles to the left and your right foot angled to the right. Mine werent like this, not in a really bad way, but the tended to go in the opposite angle. But either way i got laughed at for it. And basically didnt help with confidence.

Another experience was a lad wanted to 'fight' me after school. Obviously didnt want that to happen adn not a 'fighting' kind of guy. Luckily i avoided it and that was it, but it knocked my confidence again....Other than general similar experiences the final blow in primary schoolwas when i was in 5th class somebody put a runour around that i was gay and that i had met (kissed for thos of you who dont understand lol) another lad. That KILLED my confidence and that rumour did not go away. And there was nothing i could do....

So this moved on to secondary school. Now going into secondary school with low confidence prob wasn't a good start but i tried to be optimistic. And secondary school was good at times. But so many CRAP experiences. Being bullied, betrayed by so called friends, laughed at a lot. Generally wasn't happy times. (i know sounds depressing). I would try to make friends, and i had a couple but really from lower years (which people noticed and laughed at me for) but nobody i could really call a proper FRIEND. At first when it kind of got too much i naturally started bullying other people to fit in. Ok i never hit a lad or really went to far but i would join in the laughing and add insults! But after a good while i realised that i was really just being like the people that bullied me so i stopped...It was prob at that point that i started being myself and really learning to be myself and trying to grow. As well as thinking wayyyyy too much lol. But secondary school ended when i left at the end of 5th year. I wanted to leave at the end of 4th year but i was persuaded by my principal and vice p. to stay for another year. It didnt work lol....At the end of summer of 5th year i dreading going back. And at the time i was working and was a year or two into my awesome hobby so i decided it was best for MYSELF to quit school then. My parents were not happy. My mum especially for her own reasons. My dad was more supportive in my decision and understood why i was leaving...

So basically since then i have thought non stop about who i am as a person. I have always been interested in psychology, child psychology and generally how the mind works. And soon after leaving school i decided to do a home study course in child psychology.....For like a year and a half i drifted in and out of studying that. Completing lessons and getting some decent marks. Although in the end i didnt complete it through a lack of motivation and generally who i am as a person.

So that was school and after school....

A big example of why i think too much and how i think too much is girls...oh yes the female form that manage to drive men crazy on both extremes =] Through a lack of self confidence and general shyness ive never been good, confident or lucky with girls. I had my first seriosu gf at 18 so i was kind of a late started (although i do NOT regret that). But a small example is a situation of when i had started meeting a girl from dublin. When i met up with her and i would go to hold her hand i would 'SCREAM in my head' over and over again "god should i hold her hand now. Is it ok to? Am i doing the right thing?". Basically questioning my actions.

And overall im nearly always like that. It drives me crazy sometimes because i wish i could get out of my head and just not question what i do and go with the flow but thats not the case. Luckily over the years between working, going away, and growing as a person i have gotten more confidence, analyzed my actions less and overall given myself more confidence....Hell when it comes to the female form i even hit the jackpot! December 2008 i went to a Trivium concert at the Ambassador. Ive always enjoyed concerts and been kind of naturally happy in those situations. Obviously been 'kitted out' Metal style i felt confident....And it was there that i managed to 'bag' and 'hold' onto the most amazing girl in the world =]
Its a memory i will never forget. In the queue for trivium talking to people, i got talking to a friend of a friend. I had noticed her already and thought she looked pretty cool. But when i got talking to her it was even better. I seemed to click with her and talked through pretty much the whole queue....Fast forward to the support acts playing....Near the front row with her moshing to support bands having some kick ass fun, the best ive had! When Trivium came on it was even better, and not just for the music!...So i picked my time...right when the moshing around us got heavy i edged my hand towards her (thinking about every move) and grabbed it. Thank fuck she responded in a good way! So by now we were holding hands and moshing up and down. I was chuffed with myself to be honest, not really believing it had worked lol. So then soon after a song trivium played we kind of turned to each other (and i still to this day cant 100% remember how it happened lol) but we started kissing =] I was basically in heaven there and then. At a metal concert, kissing the most stunning girl in the world, i couldnt ask for more....Fast forward to after the concert. I had spend about 30mins before hand thinking about how to ask this and building up the confidence!...So i asked her for her number......SCORE she gave me it =] and to me....the rest is history! <3

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But the meaning of this blog now that i have read over it is to in some way show that no matter how much lack of confidence you might have or do have through some positive thinking, growing and kicking yourself in the ass every now and again you can get what you want out of a situation =]

And for me, i ended up with the most amazing girlfriend in the world!

Yours

KittyKat!!!